Tag: passion

The Problem With Passion

On By seancovellIn business, fitness, Health and WellnessLeave a comment

We are often told to find something we are passionate about to do for our work because it will make us happy. I think this is terrible advice. How many people tried out their passion in the marketplace and ended up on unemployment and food stamps? Where do you think the term “starving artist” comes from? Don’t get me wrong, if you can find something you’re passionate about and also make a good living doing, that’s fantastic! But first and foremost, making money is about providing value to others in the marketplace. Finding an occupation that others value and are willing to pay for is the fastest way for most people to produce income. You may not be passionate about what you are doing, but at least you can fulfill financial needs. After you accumulate some savings, you may be able to start a side business based around something you are really passionate about and make it flourish. However, there are a couple of warnings that I would offer regarding mixing passion and work…

1. What you are passionate about today may change in the future. I can tell you from personal experience that what I was really passionate about in the past, I no longer have any interest in. Some things I believe I will always be passionate about–fitness, business, and writing. But some things, like Magic the Gathering and wrestling, which I used to be very passionate about, no longer do it for me. If I had decided out of high school to start a business selling comics and playing cards, or becoming a wrestler, I imagine that I’d be wildly unhappy today. I’d probably also be struggling to make ends meat.

2. Work and business have a tendency to make you question whether you are really passionate about something. In other words, it can lead some people to actually hate what they used to be passionate about. For example, I learned very quickly after I opened a health club, that my passion for bodybuilding and fitness had nothing to do whatsoever with actually owning and running a health club. My skills as a bodybuilder did not translate into increased revenues, decreased business expenses, higher employee morale, or anything necessary to make my businesses a success. Also, as some members of my clubs will tell you, I have a problem with buying too much new equipment because I personally want it, rather than examining whether it truly adds value to the customer experience or the value of the business as a whole. If I’m being totally honest, my passion for fitness has faded at times because now I associate many new problems and stresses with something that is my passion. That is a very difficult thing for most people to handle emotionally. It has taken me many years to figure out how to separate training with the realities of owning a training facility.

3. Being passionate about something does not necessarily mean that you will be good at doing it for a living, nor does it mean that you were meant to do it. What I’m trying to hint at here is that your purpose in this life may not be what you believe you are passionate about. If you are very lucky, you will find passion in your purpose. If this is the case, you will be one of the few who can produce income, by doing what you like and also by helping others (purpose). I suggest that you look for purpose first, and then try to find what it is about fulfilling your purpose that you can be passionate about. For instance, as a bodybuilder and health club owner with autoimmune disease, I can build businesses for others to become healthy and transform themselves, and also serve as an example for overcoming certain disabilities. I can’t do that only by lifting weights though. No one is going to pay me for lifting weights and doing cardio. (I wish they would!) I can, however use my passion for lifting and mix it with my purpose (helping others overcome obstacles). This is why I continue to own health clubs as opposed to doing all passive investing in things like real estate.

4. Passion often does not mix with logic. The Stoics advised us to always use reason instead of emotion, because they understood that our emotions could deceive us. Have you ever been in an argument and said some atrocious things? Looking back you may realize that saying those things were not useful in the least and you regret not thinking before speaking. This is an example of letting passion overcome reason. Eleanor Roosevelt was once complimented on her “passion” for getting social legislation passed. She responded, “I hardly think the word passion applies to me.” The First Lady understood that she was driven by something more important than passion. She was driven by purpose. If she let herself become too passionate about anything, she may have forgotten reason to ensure that her purpose was realized. Eleanor Roosevelt understood that purpose is more useful and longer lasting than passion.

So beware of any advice suggesting that if you always follow your passion, you’ll be happy. You may not. Passions fade. Passions confuse our ability to reason. What we are passionate about today may change. Perhaps no one will pay us to engage in our passion. Instead, focus on mixing purpose with passion. Finding your purpose and then finding areas where you can be passionate about that purpose will lead to far more fulfillment and likely far more income than choosing to follow a career based on passion alone.

In health,
Sean

On Marriage

On By seancovellIn Health and WellnessLeave a comment

Seven Ingredients for a Happy and Lasting Marriage

            Perhaps the word marriage does not apply for some people. I don’t want the word to scare you off, so please substitute whatever word applies to you: relationship, partner, lover, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you understand the essence of any great relationship or marriage. Almost fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. An even greater percentage of dating relationships, around 80% end with break-up. What about just regular friendships? I suspect that friendships end for similar reasons to relationships. I’ve seen first hand how relationships, friendships and marriages end and while a romantic relationship has slightly more elements needed to make it last, the similarities in what makes all human relationships work or fail are fairly simple to recognize and understand. After 12 years of being with my beautiful wife, I can confidently tell you the ingredients necessary for a happy (very happy) and harmonious relationship. I’m not saying things last forever, but I will tell you that if something bad happens in my marriage, it’s going to be my fault. The reason… #1.

  1. Taking Responsibility—How much is each person in a marriage responsible for keeping it going? 50/50? 60/40? The answer is 100%. Each person must take extreme ownership of everything in a relationship. Each partner is responsible for 100% of what they do and the situation he finds himself in. Don’t like that? Too bad. Own your life and take responsibility for it. 100%.
  2. Desire for Harmony—First and foremost, there must exist a desire to get along with another person in order for a relationship to exist or a marriage to thrive. Believe it or not, I don’t think most people desire harmony. They look for problems. They look for drama because they know others can relate to it. They know their friends will love to hear about everything wrong, so they secretly want problems. You see, many believe in the fallacy that “all marriages have problems.” Or that “the seven year itch” is real. The truth is, whatever you look for, you will find. If you look for harmony, you will find it. If you look for issues, you will find them. Be careful what you focus on and…
  3. Know Your Outcomes—What do you want out of this relationship? What does your partner want? If you don’t know your desired outcomes, or they don’t jive with what your partner wants, your marriage will end. No exceptions. My wife and I talk about what we want and where we want our partnership to go at least once a week. My outcome is to live an incredible life by being in an incredible state with my wife and children. I want my family to always feel my love. I want my wife and I to be partners in our journey together. I know that my wife wants the same. How do I know that? We talk to each other about what we want. Communicate or expect your partner to seek it out elsewhere. Here’s a hint, you should not have to talk to your friends because they “are the only ones who get you.”
  4. Value and Values—All relationships must add value to the individuals involved. If you are not getting a significant amount of value by being with someone, or you are not providing value to another, you don’t have a relationship, you have an acquaintance. Along with bringing value to the marriage, you must value the other person. This almost goes without saying, but you’d be shocked at how many people take their partner for granted, or worse, detest them. You must value your partner as well as provide value to them. Beyond that, you must have similar values in how to live life. If your values differ to an extreme, the path your lives will take will be very different. That doesn’t bode well for a successful and happy marriage.
  5. Empathy—This is the area of life I think most people are lacking. I admit, even I have trouble with this at times. Seeing something from another’s point of view is very difficult to do and it’s likely the main cause for violence and despair in the world today. Do you know what’s going on in your husband’s or wife’s head? What’s the story they tell themselves about what they are doing here on Earth and who they are? I suggest that if you don’t know the answer to these questions, try to find them out. Empathy is the main ingredient to a lasting relationship. Without it, and without understanding your partner, you won’t have a partner for long.
  6. Passion—Let us not deny that passion is vital to a marriage. Attraction to your partner is a must. Sexual intimacy that occurs often and is fulfilling is how many relationships bloom and grow. The lack of it is how many relationships end. You should look forward to being close with your partner. It shouldn’t be a chore or a hassle. It shouldn’t be embarrassing. It should be a staple of your marriage. If passion is lacking, work to make it great. It’s such a vital and fulfilling part of the human experience, to miss out on it is a crime… in my opinion.
  7. Love—Its the strongest word in any language spoken in the world. Everyone wants love. We crave it from our families, our partners and our children. It’s vital to a happy marriage. Love, though, is very difficult to define. The dictionary definition doesn’t quite do it justice. Some define love as a feeling, but I believe it’s more than that. I believe that love, in addition to a feeling of deep affection, requires sacrifice. Whatever you love, you willingly sacrifice for. You go the extra mile, you give up opportunities, and you put their needs before your own. I know many in marriages that have deep affection for their partners, but are not willing to sacrifice anything in their own lives to make their partner happy. Is that true love? I would suggest that it’s not. I think love requires deep affection and the willingness to put another’s needs before your own.

So there you have it. The seven ingredients for a happy and lasting marriage (or partnership). I hope this helps. As someone who has never been unhappy for more than a few hours in my marriage (my fault), I think that what I’ve written above is true and valuable. Above all, if you don’t want a relationship to end, do what you did at the beginning of the relationship and there will not be an end.

In health,

Sean